There was an attempt to…become a master thief.

When hunting for a new hobby to try out, I tend to look beyond the traditional choices such as stamp-collecting and seek out something a little less…conventional. So after taking the lazy path to inspiration and entering “unusual hobbies” into Google, I stumbled across the idea of lock-picking for fun.

After reading several articles about how this is a *totally legitimate* skill, and in no way whatsoever should be used for any nefarious purposes, my next step was to head to Amazon, which resulted in a surprising number of hits  for “locking picking starter set”. After a short panic about what this purchase would do to my recommended products (customers also shopped for this stylish balaclava, and My First Grappling Hook), into the basket it went, arriving a few days later.

…And what a gorgeous-looking kit it was! All of the “tools” were enclosed in a faux-leather burglar’s pencil case; this was clearly designed for the felon with style.  Opening up the case revealed a whole suite of metal prongs with varying degrees of pointiness. It suddenly struck me that maybe lock-picking was going to be quite hard, and may actually involve some more skill than using a credit card and a bit of wobbling to gain illicit entry (as my boyhood movie-watching brain had believed).

In order to save me from buggering up any of the useful locks around the house, the kit also came with a handy transparent practice lock.  It was the type of lock that could be used to protect a garden shed, rather than Fort Knox, but even Danny Ocean had to start somewhere, right?

Thankfully, there were a few handy YouTube links included in the kit which provided me with the basics. It seemed that the general gist was that you used one of the pokey sticks to try and line up the “pins” (get me with my professional lexicon), whilst the other pokey stick held all your previous efforts in place. As the pins fell into place, you were able to apply some pressure with another metal lever wedged in the lock, and – pop! – you were in! Boundless riches, or someone’s garden rake, were yours for the taking.

When it came to my turn to repeat the process, It quickly became clear that I was going to need at least three more hands to cope with this level of dexterity.  After a few failed attempts, I was running low on coordination and patience and I was about to abandon my life of (pretend) crime.  That’s when I realized I didn’t know what the other 80% of the tools in my criminal Filofax were for, so I returned to YouTube for further insight.

After a few more videos, I discovered that the only tool required in the entire kit was one called “The Scrubber” . Basically, all you need to do is jiggle The Scrubber up and down a bit (stop that), and this erratic maneuvering would eventually knock all of the pins into place, leaving no valuables safe from my clutches. To my surprise, and with not too much effort, I actually managed to get it to work on my practice lock! (which is as good an endorsement of “idiot-proof” as it gets).

This final discovery, of course, rendered the pursuit of this as a future hobby useless; If there was a cheat code for the beginner stuff, and a huge amount of technical prowess needed for the next level up, then it was not going to be for me. Still, the kit remains in a drawer in case I have to come out of retirement for “one last job”…